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开心死了

好朋友Jackey的演出,名字是“开心死了”。我没有真正问过他是为什么叫这个名字,但是以我自己的解读,死的时候,是开心的。最近不是常常想到自己可能会离去,大吉利事,好话常说,不好的就不要长提。你知道的啦,当一个人脆弱的时候,总会想一些有的没的,这当中包括不小心离去那样。那么如果针对这点,我是不是该写一写草稿的遗书?

话说今晚会飞印度,不知最近是不是常发生空难事故,而且我又时常搭飞机,那么会不会我也不好彩?我当然求神拜佛,希望这不会发生在我,或者我亲人朋友身上,因为我知道,失去一个人的时候,或者接受一个人不再存在的时候,那是那么一个极大的痛楚啊。所以如果有遗书,那么可能可以减轻对认识的人的折磨。

我想写很久了,可是都没有完成。今天,就觉得该写一写,如果有读着我的blog的朋友,Sam啊,饼干啊,或者哪一位都好,如果万一,一万个可能里面的万一,请你们把这篇,翻译成英文,印尼文,马来文,好让身边认识我的朋友,都知道我的遗书里写的是什么。

我29岁,写于14号,11月,2018年。出生于1989年2月1日。是名水瓶座,但有时候人家说我像双鱼座。因为他们说水瓶男不是那么认真的而且是花心的男人。但是最近的恋爱,促使我想写这篇稿。或许说,我找到爱了。

我爱我的家人,终于可以对自己认真的说,我爱我的家人。虽然还是有一些斗嘴,但是,我知道大家都是彼此相爱的。尤其对父亲,可说是非常尊重的。他刻苦耐劳,白手起家,要教导孩子的就是,脚踏实地,一步一步学,并且得到自己的经验,再去面对自己的人生。爸爸,我爱你,虽然有些时候在榴莲园的工作并不是最好的,但是,我其实真的有乐在其中,而且我相信这会是我以后的职业。

我的妈妈,千言万语,感激不尽。每次都在我需要帮助的时候,二话不说,就比我先开口,问我需不需要帮忙。妈,不管怎么样,你老了,我不会丢下你,我们一起会榴莲园里,我陪你。

我的哥哥姐姐与姐夫嫂子,还有可爱的孩子们。身为叔叔与舅舅的我,可能没有给个好榜样,时常飞来飞去,到处流浪,但是你们要知道,我还是想念家里,与你们共度的美好时光。请孩子们要快高长大,健健康康,孝顺父母,成为出色的自己。

我爱大自然,这是我决定的爱。找到这爱,就代表,我可以与这大自然,共同存活。

我爱我的朋友们,有很多,很多的朋友。以前有更多,但是现在剩下比较相知相识的好朋友。不管你们是在哪一个国度,请要记得,我那张黑黑的脸,还…

是我太久没有恋爱了吗

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所以我就可以为所欲为?凭我的想象去发展这段恋情吗?看来我是大错特错。恋爱,不是一个人的事。我把一切抓得太紧,可能给远距离这个框框给顶住,所以要无时无刻去抓住她。但也许不是这样,该放的时候,也要给松一下。抓着手是爱,放手也是另一种爱。或许不应该这样,该怎么样好呢?我好害怕失去,但或许失去也并不是一件坏事。只能说,在恋爱中学到的,得到的,应该抱着一种积极体验的心态,别让自己钻进无止境的黑洞里。我只能说,太久没有恋爱了,当真正爱一个人的时候,我尽然付出所有,日有所思,夜有所梦,很爱很爱她。最后跌倒时,可能会非常非常的痛。我失去了安全感,不太相信自己,不太爱自己了。我很会劝告人家,爱别人之前,要先爱自己,但是,当置身于中时,这个道理,被遗忘了,或者不敢去接受。

谢谢还有读着我的blog的朋友,谢谢🙏🏼

I might lost my Love in just a second

Why I say this, because you know challenges for every couple are always waiting there. I might lost my Love in just a second, because everything will just happened in second. This is a post that I written for the big challenge for me and my partner. She being forced marriage. In the traditional Indonesian or Javanese culture, marriage is always a BIG thing in their life. So this is something very interesting that I encounter. I must accept this, but I also need to know if there is any exceptions.

I might lost her, I will be very down. These I know, I expected. But let's stand up, and voice out, I'm not going to surrender with this. Say no to this!

I'm in Love

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Long time didn't update a post, so now just to write up something.
That day having a blunt with Wei, then he said, I shall make a documentary about you, to record a year about you. To see what had happened in you during this year. I said, it might be interesting because we are stoning right now, but when we get sober, maybe not that interesting...

so now I am sober, do I think it's interesting? yea, a little bit.
2018, a year of ups and downs. Many sort of emotions has came out from my inner mind.
The starting of the world was best, we had good new year eve party with everyone. But soon Kiat left the world, and leave us some emotional times, as his closed friend, I have to face the fact, and accept it. I then suffered a little on the work stuffs, I had some devil comes from my heart, I lost some focus, and then I found back myself...ups and downs..

soon. just recent, August, someone comes in to my life.. she is Risa, from East Java. A passer by, and then we fall in love.

What…

Walk out from the comfort zone

Without an intention, you were suck into depression
without any acknowledgement, you walk out from the depression
that is the comfort zone
either you want to live in, with pleasure and happiness
or you step out and suffer the changes

I am better now, after I talked to my father
I am feeling good now, at least, with my family

my art journey is on the right track
always got chances from so many ways
I think I have sent good energies to the universe
and I got the feedback from there, there.

Let's the "Other" begins

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Once you started living in this world, you are about to get into a comparison system. It is a gigantic networking cruel system, connecting every inch of soil in every corners in this world. You don't need to be perfect, because there are always people living a style of "non of my business" or "I don't give a fuck"

If you are lucky, you have money, I'm saying a lot of money, from your parents, or your ancestor.. or you have a special power, your grand father found a stone on the island in middle of noway of the South China Sea. He hide this power stone under his bed, never tell anyone, until one day he is about going to leave this world and he told you about this stone under his bed. You took out the stone, and you become another power-hold-man, or a guardian of stone.

You seldom use the power, and living as a don't give a shit human being. One day, you use the secret power, to save a live in the middle of noway of South China Sea. And the one being sa…

If I gone better in next six days

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I think is a good time for me to write down my recent swinging mood. I was reading books of Murakami since 2013, it's been a good 5 years. So far I think I have read 8 or 10 books of him. Written in English, Traditional Chinese or Simplified Chinese. I found his books is interesting, I like to read. 

No way, I suppose to be depress, but who identify this is kind of depression. Do I sick? or my brain extracted some irregular toxic from middle of my brain leaf? I barely take in charge of my emotions, maybe I did, but it wasn't the expectation. I hated myself in some moment, I said I should love myself, and the people that I know, all these emotions was in 51seconds. 

Up and down, I think everyone deserve this kind of life, either you choose to be on this side, or the opposite. I need to find a balance, that is the desperate decision. I hope I could recovered, I could back to me, the ME that I desired to be. Despite I tried a few exercise, from dancing, music, writing the garbage i…